Big Love

5 Ways to Express Love – the Love Languages

“That’s speaking my love language right there,” He said. I <demurely> blushed.

We had been discussing work out of doors and I had just offered to lend a hand anytime. The love language he referenced was an Acts of Service love language.

But it got me thinking, what is my love language?

When I first learned of the concept of love languages I was an adult and I found the idea intriguing. The root of the concept is showing love to someone in the way that they most feel loved, and that everyone is different in how they like to receive love. It is worth noting that there is not much scientific evidence to support the concept.

In the past, I felt my primary love language to be Words of Affirmation, but had it changed? If I’m being honest, I recalled feeling a little pull toward all five. So I turned to the source text, a book called The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.

On a recent re-listen, I took away a better understanding of each love language. I see now that Physical Touch is my primary love language and that Receiving Gifts is number two. So much for Words of Affirmation!

After reading the book I also better understood how to figure out someone’s love language (if they didn’t come out and tell you). The main reason given by Chapman for why someone may not know their love language is if their love tank is already full and they feel loved, or if someone’s love tank is empty and they never experienced how they received love.

The Five Love Languages

• Words of Affirmation – words are used to affirm others
• Physical Touch – appropriate physical touch conveys love
• Acts of Service – actions speak louder than words
• Quality Time – giving the other person your undivided attention
• Receiving Gifts – receiving a heart felt gift makes them feel loved

Unsure about your love language? The Five Love Languages Website offers a free quiz https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/5. I took the quiz and it confirmed that Physical Touch (37%) was indeed my preferred language. Note: I did not pay to get the premium assessment, or the app, or the other books.

The quiz described Physical Touch: “Your Love Tank overflows with Physical Touch. You long for hand-holding and hugs. A warm embrace or a simple pat on the back helps you feel connected and cherished. Touch creates a bond of connectedness. And, for you, it communicates love and affection more than words ever could.”

“When you feel cherished physically, your Love Tank overflows.

Dr. Chapman, on Physical Touch

Is this a Holy Grail? I don’t think so. There are others who have looked into the cons of the love languages, such as Vox https://www.vox.com/culture/24067506/5-love-languages-gary-chapman. Author Constance Grady refers to the love languages as “a pleasing Hogwarts house-style simplicity.”

I think a good relationship begins with two people who know themselves, and are willing to learn together. If discussing the love languages opens a door to making requests respectfully, then it could be a useful beginning place.