Big Love

When brutal honesty is called for

My sister called and told me to delete my Sad Selfie.

“But…well, I just…” I could hear the weak stance of the words as I spoke them. Along with the sadness in the image was a vulnerability that shone through, made it pretty in a way. We discussed the merits of the raw vulnerability and also the downsides of showing the sadness.

A few things were going on that day. Foremost was that I felt really happy. I had spent a great afternoon with two close friends catching up, having lunch, and shopping. I felt good about my appearance. I was also energized from an emerging crush.

Later, after the lovely day I found myself looking at my social media and wanting to do a rebrand. To step out of the past and into the life I was beginning to feel – a happy, bright, fun, and more sensual one.

For many people, posting is a daily activity, if not a multi-post-a-day thing. I have yet to embrace that or the technology, truth be told. But in a new spirit I went for it and hit “post.”

Now, I do not have a hundred friends/followers/people who care what I do. I’d say the number is likely under 10. Something I’m okay with it.

• A picture is worth a thousand words.

• The eyes don’t lie.

Truisms about faces are just that. My face and smile are telling a story and it is apparently a sad one.

What hurts is that I know it is true. I rarely take or keep photos of myself anymore. Since the separation, and before. It is a painful time stamp in my adult life.

I also know it to be truth because I stopped recognizing myself. My hair was literally going gray overnight. My body language was collapsed. That was at the worst, several years ago. I have been taking small steps ever since to reclaim my narrative. Therapy, books, MasterClasses, podcasts, journaling, inner work, art therapy, a makeup tutorial, exercise, etc.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I see me again, though there is more work to do.

I’m not naturally a sad person, in fact, I laugh easily, and over smile, and have smile wrinkles. That is the me I want to share.

Experts have their own perspective on the power of a photo, body language, and first impressions. Vanessa Van Edwards, author, shared on a podcast with The Diary of a CEO, the tells, or vibes, a person give off in a photo are important. In one image of a woman, her head is tilting, she wears glasses, and she has a smile. Edwards quickly analyzed her very accurately. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldizQkuWpDE

I know all this and I still posted the Sad Selfie.

Am I just honest to a fault? Am I seeking attention? Or is this just where I am at in my life right now? What if social media was less glossy, more sad, more honest?

Update. Thankfully I have someone in my life who is willing to be honest with me on matters such as this. While talking with my sister, I stopped defending and started deleting. In doing so, I was giving myself permission. You can be happy and sad. You can be angry and also forgive. You can desire and be in process. You can just be.

But, no Sad Selfies please.

It takes courage to enjoy it/The hardcore and the gentle/A big time sensuality

Bjork

"I can sense it
Something Important
Is about to happen
It's coming up

It takes courage to enjoy it
The hardcore and the gentle
A big time sensuality
Oh, baby

We just met
And I know, I'm a bit too intimate
But something huge is coming up
And we're both included

It takes courage to enjoy it
The hardcore and the gentle
Big time sensuality
Oh, it made me

And now I know
The aftermath of all the angels

I don't know my future after this weekend
And I don't want to

It takes courage to enjoy it
The hardcore and the gentle
Big time sensuality
Sensuality, oh-oh
Honey, honey-how
And, baby, honey

I'd be after me, after the angels
A family fire, a family fire
Joy"

- Big Time Sensuality, Bjork