Big Love

Erasing the past

I learned that saying my own name, out loud, three times, could bring the parts of me that were left out in the world back to me.

So in the name of rebuilding I give it a try. I was taught that this helps to reclaim power.

Part of rebuilding a life after a difficult separation, including moving, is evaluation. I am reconsidering what it is that I value, what adds value to my life. This is something that aligns with my values and who I am becoming.

There are many leaks, old porous cracks in the sidewalk that need addressing. Recently, while writing a check, I noticed an old address on it that was outdated and connected to the past relationship. Then I revisited the address on my license, then my passport. A friend pinged me that I had a photo linked to an old social media account with me and my X.

They were out of date and a deadweight.

It wasn’t only mailing addresses.

I slowly walked around my flat with fresh eyes. A painting hung near my entranceway, an unconscious memory associated with pain. A key kitchen utensil, with similar association. My purse. Bedding.

There, in plain sight, were many ties to the past – more than I realized. Yet I had purposefully been eliminating items with negative associations. I thought I had been releasing freely. Well – I had missed a lot.

It felt like peeling back the skin of an onion. Now I was into the layers of it. And, sometimes it made me cry.

The more I looked, the more I saw. Like an ugly Matryoshka doll.

Next, I gave a closer look to my phone – old voicemails, texts, photos. Then emails. I deleted where I could. Then emptied that virtual trash.

I removed my old ring, and made a plan to sell it.

I discarded old hallmark cards from the years. I did retrieve one card from the bin, but may put it back.

The interesting part is that with each decision to let go of the past, I feel more freedom. A lightness of being in my world. I also intentionally replace and surround myself with only things that make me feel good.

And now I really come to see
That life would be much better
Once you’re gone

Bye Bye Bye, NSYNC