Big Love

When a close friendship vaporizes

It is strange to still feel the ups and downs that come with losing a friendship, even in my forties.

“Ghosted,” the term that refers to the disappearance act of a person from one’s life, usually refers to a romantic interest. But it can also apply to friendships. People do the ol’ poof and they are gone act for a multitude of reasons, but regardless the outcome is that the person left holding the bag often feels a bit low.

So what do you do when someone you care about:

Chooses your ex as a friend over you

Befriends your ex’s new flame

Or only reaches out when they want something?

In my case, I’ve had these experiences. I’ve felt the hurt that comes with hearing that a friend, or a couple, chose team Ex over team Me.

In the new book Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier by Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey, Brooks defines the ideal relationship. What makes a perfect friendship? Uselessness. Lack of gain or usefulness.

You need friends but you don’t need to be someone’s constant on call task rabbit, wingman/woman, or pseudo therapist. You want to be useless.

Reflecting on my separation and all that meant in my life, from moving, to rough days, to juggling life as a single mom, the people who have stood by me have meant a lot. And the ones who didn’t, though painful, I’m letting go.

To me friendship is love, a give and a take, and hug when you need it, a shoulder to cry on, a thoughtful card, the gift of fresh baked treats, tea, and a couch to crash on. It’s showing up for each other, checking in on each other, and genuinely asking “how are you doing?”

Fewer, better.

Cuyana’s motto.