Big Love

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

My upcoming birthday has me thinking about life. Going with the numbers, I’m about halfway through mine. Or rather – I have half my life left to live.

During the pandemic, I thought about death more than was typical for me. I found myself thinking, if I die, is this life the life I want to be living right now it for me? At this time I reflected on my career, my family life, my bucket list, and most importantly, my heart.

I found deep gratitude for the family I had. I was proud of being a mother and for my two children, I was very glad they were in my life. I was happy to have known love with my long time partner, though things had changed since having children and I was not then aware of the upcoming separation we would go through. I was glad to call my mother my friend and to see her almost daily. My sister was a drive away and my cousin too. Though not a large family, I felt their love and support.

Teaching in the pandemic was incredibly difficult and I found myself questioning whether or not to remain in the profession. However, the opportunity to be present and to nurture learning for students always remained a light in the dark.

Examining my bucket list, I realized I had ended the list at having children and completing my Masters’ degree, which I had done. It was an invitation to find new dreams.

Lastly, my heart also longed for spiritual connection. I saw how much this absence impacted me.

Remembering this helps me frame the now and honestly look at where I stand today. I have grown on my journey since the early first days of the pandemic. I’ve had to – some of it was growing pains, loss, and life upheaval. Some of it was the freedom to redefine myself and my interests.

No man is an island

Entire of itself.

John Donne

Pausing, I have deep gratitude for my opportunities and life situation. For my access to education. For my family for their aid in actualizing both. For my ability to be safe. To have access to clean water and healthy food.

If I have a candle to blow out, I am going to wish for peace for all humankind. I am going to wish for peace to actively replace war. For unity, for kindness.

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost