Big Love

Did When Harry Met Sally get it right?

I recently wondered if friendship between two friends, a man and a woman, is actually, really, a possibility. This came up because I was on my way to see an old friend, and yet the ghost of When Harry Met Sally was haunting me.

I believed that yes, men and women could be friends – no romantic desires for one another, aka the platonic friendship. But then as I got older I found that these friendships were not as black and white as I may have thought.

Once I did have one friend I desperately wanted to hold on to, to keep, as my friend. For a time, he held a special place and was someone who helped me feel known. We understood each other. In the end, though, it was me who couldn’t tow the friendship line and I lost a friend. As time has passed I have mourned that friendship, disregarded it, and also fantasized about it. About him.

And so newly separated, finding my footing, and even dipping the tip of a toe into the dating pool – this was the fertile and somewhat complicated ground I found myself on as I watched the rom com When Harry Met Sally (1989). Billy Crystal plays Harry and Meg Ryan plays Sally. And I adore Meg Ryan, her curly hair, comedic timing, and the ability to draw one in.

The meet cute of the film is a bit less “cute” initially. It opens with Billy showing up to get a ride to New York with his college girlfriend’s best friend, Sally. Sally pulls in to pick him up and waits as they have a final make out session. He then gets in the car… and instantly hits on Sally. Thus begins the conversation that forms the thesis of the film. Billy believes that men and women can not be friends. Sally disagrees. But her arguments don’t hold much water.

Harry: “Men and women can’t be friends because no man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.”

Sally: “So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman that he doesn’t find attractive?”

Harry: “No, you pretty much want to nail them too.”

IMDB

I even posed this question to a “potential soulmate” I was chatting with on a dating app. Was I using him for research or to dust off my flirting skills… well never mind. He shared that men and women could definitely be friends, with the caveat that if they meet randomly then there is a chance that one person could have more feelings than the other. He then ultimately deferred to respecting his partner and the need for communication.

In short, BOTH yes and no.

Back to the friend I regret loosing. I remember one day spending time with him and seemingly out of nowhere noticing that being around him made my pulse run. If I could go back in time and undo that, not change things between us on my side, not kiss, would it have changed anything? I don’t think so.

It is said that risking a friendship for love/lust/intimacy is not worth it. Why? I suppose the answer that comes to mind is because the relationship will likely not work out. The odds and all that.

Where love can burn out friendship endures.

Though on the other hand, perhaps friendship is the more advantageous place to start a romantic relationship and is overlooked. I know of one couple who began decades ago as two good friends, and they have been happy together, married, for a long time.

The ability to argue for either side here speaks to the core of When Harry Met Sally and why it resonated with its audience, ultimately making millions of dollars in the box office. It is a good quandary, it speaks to the lived experience of many of us, love triangles, unrequited love, and has served as the backbone of the Jane Austen novels like Pride and Prejudice.

So if we can’t be friends, can’t we all just get along?

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing

and rightdoing there is a field.

I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass

the world is too full to talk about.

Rumi, Goodreads