Big Love

“D” for divorce

In Nathaniel Hawthorne’s famous novel The Scarlet Letter, an adulterous woman must wear a scarlet “A” on her clothes (and bear public shaming). In the novel the “A” stands for adultery.

Several centuries later, I feel at times as if I too have a scarlet letter on my clothes. The letter would be “D” for divorce. I was never married, but after a long term committed relationship close to twenty years, “S” for separated is too vague where “D” is pretty clear.

The other day I tried to describe this to someone…

“Oh, I go out alone all the time!” She quipped. Note, she is married with children.

“That’s totally different,” I told her. “You are choosing to go out alone, but you are not in fact alone.”

She just did not get the point. I am a single woman who when socializing is not a part of a couple. Rather, I am part of a failed couple. When she leaves her husband at home with the kids to do whatever it is, she is a married woman who is out solo. And psychologically there is a difference.

After facing a divorce/separation, your identity and status take a hit.

I know all of this because I have been on both sides of the table. I have seen friends endure the change socially that being single brought on. I remember once even thinking, wow, I’m glad that is not me. A few years later and the irony is not lost on me either.

As this new chapter unfolds, the people who see me, letter “D” and all, are the ones I’m gravitating towards. One mom recently shared that she and her husband were both on their second marriages. Another friend shared that it was a lot to navigate all at once. Some readers of Hawthorne’s believe that the scarlet “A” was actually for “able,” as the heroine helped the poor with acts of service. I’m going to script the scarlet “D” to “dangerous,” “daring,” or “doer,” as needed.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”

C.S. Lewis