Big Love

Digging into the past and discovering hope for the future

Recently I hit a milestone with a small research study I conducted for my thesis work at the graduate level. This led me to reflect on the journey of that project. It may hold a key for me in a vastly different aspect of my life, my love life.

Many years ago I set out to earn a master’s degree. I was working full time and pregnant for the first time too. I was driven to do well and felt that my journey was flowing along. Until the river dried up. I hit a major road block and thought that I would never be able to surpass it.

The roadblock was an intimidating individual who was the sun and the moon as far as my final credits on the Master’s journey were concerned. This person could make me or break me. At least, that was how it felt at the time. At this point my passion for the work dissipated, replaced with a feeling of lack. Lack of ability, intelligence, and support. I failed my final class and I felt like a failure. I was low.

Then I tried again when the course was offered the following year by the professor. And I failed again. I hated it. (And this person and myself sometimes.)

Problems can not be solved with the same mindset that created them.

Albet Einstein

Much like the quote by Einstein, my problem was not getting solved as nothing had changed. So I failed again. Leaving it all on the table once more.

A few summers later I got a wild hare up my a** and decided to finish the work, professor be damned. I completed a work I had no idea how to complete. But that was an important turning point, because AT LAST, something had changed. I decided to not give up, and reached out to my advisor despite not being sure if it was too late to complete the degree as years had passed on. With my rough draft bolstering me, I also did a little sleuthing online, and it turned out that the professor had moved on to another institution. Was this a sign? Because now SOMETHING ELSE had changed.

This is where the key is for me in the story.

I waited a long time to complete the work, but when I was ready there was a surprise waiting. Two of the kindest, most supportive, positive, lovely professors were assigned to me. TWO! They were the gift. I was also able to appreciate them and show up differently based on my past experience. I was also the gift.

So I’m wondering, as I look back at a relationship that failed, when I am sometimes feeling low, like a failure, like giving up on love, what gift might the future hold? I’m sure I’ll be surprised.